mein geheim platz (It's not much of a secret, but I still like this old title)

I had this weird dream last night. Even weirder since I remember it. I was sitting in a windowless room with this mid 30's blonde woman in a doctor's uniform. She tells me that I only ever had one friend, and that was back in elementary school, and ever since then everyone I've befriended has been a figment of my imagination. She says that I somehow hurt someone, and that I needed to go away. Then my phone vibrates. You just sent me a text message, saying you needed help with something. The lady says the phone isn't there, that you were never there, and I pick up the phone and text back "I miss you". Then they give me a tranquilizer, and then I woke up.

A girl has expressed interest in dating me. I think I will take her up on the offer, but make sure she understands that I'm not ready for something serious. I'm lonely, and just need someone to spend time with. She is attractive, and seems interesting so far, so something serious may develop out of it, but I wont let that happen until I'm ready for it.

so yeah, wasted the whole weekend on some stupid experiment of mine, and am not regretting it greatly. All I managed to accomplish is to make myself feel lonely, because Holly was here and I didn't really spend my time with her. Good job me.

Note to self: Feelings matter more than curiosity. Hers and yours.

Eh, decided to make this public. I should stop keeping everything to myself, so here's my first attempt at that

So I sorta need a place to sort out my thoughts, and this works. Well, last night Holly reminded me of my failure at being romantic, and also said that I was making her feel lonely after dismissing her favorite books (I deserved that one though) and all that sorta tipped me over the edge, though I tried not to let her on to it. Those things combined with my mom blaming me for the car accident and all the past times that she's gotten angry over my failures is really just too much right now. For the past couple of years it feels like everyone is telling me that everything I do is wrong, and no one is validating any of my successes. Like when I was doing 3d modeling yesterday, my mom looks at what I had done and said, "Is that for school? Its not half bad," to which I replied, "No, its not for school, I'm just doing it for fun." She then looked at me and said, "Stop fooling around and do something productive." Also, I really have been trying to show Holly how I feel about her, and the fact that she said that all of my attempts at romance were failures...well that just got to me. Nothing ever seems to be enough for people.
I honestly miss living with my dad. Yeah, he may not have been anywhere near a perfect parent, but you know what? He was never afraid to tell someone he's proud of them. Yeah, he held me to about the same standards as my mom, except he wouldn't just punish my failures, he would also tell me when I've done something right. Now none of this validation ever made me feel better about myself, just like people telling me I'm a failure doesn't make me think I am one. But it just feels really nice to not be the only one thinking that you're not a complete loser.
On top of all that, I really just feel bad about not being enough for Holly. She really does deserve someone who can give her all that she needs, and it just seems like I really can't. But I guess all I can do is try harder, because she's already too important to me for me to just let go of. I get the distinct feeling that even though there's no one else I'd rather be with, she doesn't feel the same way.

I finally got off my ass today (actually it would be more correct to say I got on my ass) and did some work on my flight simulator. I now have a (partially) working AI for an enemy plane. It may not be completely functional, but its more than enough to be insanely impressive for someone who just started to get into programming last semester. This has reaffirmed my belief that I'm a genius.

From the very moment I woke up this morning my mind has been going crazy with thoughts (most of them bad) and I've been too distracted to do anything, even play video games.

So yeah, I've been sick for almost 2 weeks now, except I don't think its the same illness. I was almost over my first cold on monday, and come tuesday I start getting worse again, then wednesday I develop quite the cough, which I never had the week before, and I get even more congested than ever before. So apparently my body is a wonderful vacation home for viruses right now.

On a lighter note, yesterday was awesome. It probably wasn't a good idea for me to stay outside when I'm sick, but it was more than worth it. Almost like a weekend in the middle of the week =p so wednesday gets an A+ =D

and I don't actually have anything to say about Gödel, my teacher mentioned a book on his work and it interested me, though I really don't have the money for it. Maybe someday later.

Samaniego Family Crest. Text at the bottom loosely translates to "Though my sword may be broken, my faith will not falter"




Carr Family Crest (my mom's adoptive family)

turns out I have nobility on both sides. sweet.

I'm so glad I don't have classes on mondays. It really feels great to have 3 days off.

Had really great weekend. Spent saturday and most of sunday with holly, and even though we did basically nothing it was extremely enjoyable. FOr such an iffy way of meeting someone, I have to say, it's turned out amazingly well =)

But all good things must come to an end. I got sick today, and will have to go to school while sick tomorrow. Oh well, that's not that bad.

overall, a really good weekend.

things're looking up

well, I wrote down some of my thoughts today because I was bored, so here it is, word for word

My anthropology teacher is hippie-esque, however she is also quite uninteresting. She's disorganized, but expects us to be the opposite.

Male Voice in My Head: "Why are you writing down what you're thinking?"
Me: "I'm bored, and its interesting"

Its a peaceful day. People are sitting around talking to friends, and there's no conflict amongst any of them on the surface. But I'm sure underneath it all there is. There always is.

Female Voice: "Why are you so pessimistic about people?"
Me: "There's always conflict between people and within people. It's a simple fact."
Female: "But if things look peaceful, then aren't they just that?"
Me: "Peace is an illusion. Society is an illusion."

My lunch was quite good, even if not interesting. The sandwich was somewhat bland, yet satisfying. The orange was unusually juicy, unusually sweet, but not so much so that it was painful to eat. I guess uninteresting things can be good. Or maybe I'm enjoying it more than I normally would. Even pleasantness can be an illusion.

Thought a lot more about the dream I had last night. Maybe I'm supposed to bring my two sides together and stop the fighting. I'll write the dream down in a bit. The presence of a new dream is extremely significant, so a record should be kept.

Just found out my phone was taking pictures of the inside of my pocket. It took 37 pictures before I found out.

Had a nice conversation in my mind with someone. I explained to them why it's impossible, mathematically speaking, for me to exist as I do. There was only one possibility for things to go exactly the way they did, and an infinite number of ways it could have gone differently, and 1/infinity=0, therefore there's a 0% chance that I could even exist. And yet, I do. Luckily quantum mechanics steps in to explain this (since quantum physics exist outside the realm of our laws of math and physics). "Everything that can happen will happen" applies not only to philosophy, but to reality as well. There are an infinite number of realities, so I exist in this one, and an infinite number of other ones, but I don't exist in an infinite number of realities. Problem solved.
Girl I Was Talking To: "I know all that, I am in your head you know."
Me: "Oh yeah, I'm just talking to myself."

Child's voice: "Weren't you supposed to write down your dream?"
Me: "Yeah, I'll get around to it. I don't have enough time before class though. It's kind of long."
Child: "Well, don't procrastinate. Otherwise you'll never get it done. And you need to write it down."
Me: "Why do I have to write it down?"
Child: "I don't know, why do you have to write it down?"

The dream I had had last night was somewhat unusual. It was basically the same dream I've had many times before, but its from another perspective. This time, I have no memories of what has transpired before, but I do recognize the landscape. I am sitting in trenches that are facing the pass which I'm defending. I try to move my arm, but there is nothing more than a twitch. A soldier approaches, and says, "We are ready for the assault commander."
I fell my mouth move, and hear my voice, "Good, give the signal to attack in 30 minutes."
I realize then that I'm just an observer in another body. I'm seeing the battle from another point of view.
After a short while, I hear a yell ring out across the front, and the sounds of battle begin. Eventually the sounds die down and my host is informed of my trenches being taken. My host climbs a ladder out of the trenches and begins to walk through no man's land. There are dead bodies everywhere, but my host paid no attention to them. He just kept walking forward, without caring at all about the pain and suffering around him. When he reached the other side, he organized a pursuit party, and set down the path with a few soldiers ahead of him. After a short while, machine gun shots started ringing out. My host crouched against a wall of the pass and sent his underlings ahead of him. They fell one by one, this must have been my last stand. Eventually, the click of an empty clip of ammunition, and my host walked around the corner, and pulled out his handgun. It was then that I realized who my host was, it was the other me. I remembered that I was able to twitch his arm before, and tried to stop him from shooting me, but he knew who I was and knew he needed me dead. His willpower was too strong, and a shot rang out. I was dead.
But wait, I was still there, still inside of him. I had to stop him, had to stop all the death and pain he was calling. I caught him by surprise, overpowered him, and lifted his gun to his head. Without a hesitation, I pulled the trigger. His body hit the ground, but I didn't go down with him. I was still there, without a body, and unable to move. These little black blobs of what looked to be a very fine sand slithered out from the cracks in the walls of the pass and swarmed all over the dead bodies. When they moved away, there was nothing left of the remains. Then they began piling up under where my awareness was, until I was engulfed in darkness. They started whispering something, but I couldn't understand what. The sounds carried images with them, and I could see that I had held off the enemy troops long enough, that 3rd army to join up with the 2nd. Matt was able to win the battle, and the country was saved. But then the images kept coming. The war continued, fought to a stalemate, more groups joined in the fighting, millions died. Eventually, people didn't remember why they were fighting, but that didn't stop them. Decades passed with no ending, and no end in sight.
A bit into this, I began to notice what the black balls were whispering.
"Try harder."
It got louder and louder, the images flashing by faster, and then.....silence.
"After a few moments, one of the voices whispered, "Try again."
I woke up then, unsure what that voice meant, but I had failed. I guess I'll have the chance to try again eventually.

Math teacher went off on a bunch of tangents, but they were interesting. Programming teacher has a strong accent, but she's understandable.

Deep male voice: "You're worried about something, aren't you?"
Me: "You could say that about anyone and it would be true."
Voice: "What are you worried about?"
Me: "You know damn well, you are part of me."
Voice: "Do I?"
Me: "Of course, you're a part of me."
Voice: "Do you?"

The guy sitting in front of me has his hat's tag sticking out. It bothers me.

I saw a lot of people today that I haven't seen for years. First Leo, haven't seen him since middle school. He hasn't really changed much, but his taste in music has. Bummer. Then I ran into Winston, who I last saw before he was going to be deployed. Then Andrew, who really hasn't changed much since high school. Last was Alonna, who I found out has a class with me. She seems a lot stronger than when she was with Ed. But then again, he was kind of a jerk to everyone around him.

Overall, it was a good day. I kind of liked writing down random thoughts as I went. It really filled up the long breaks between classes. Maybe I'll continue this



So there, my first journal entry.

2007
-met my ex, dated for a few months, then broke up because we were hardly able to see each other
-got accepted to davis, along with a few other schools
-got my wisdom teeth removed in a 2 hour surgery (they were estimating it was only going to take 45 mins originally, but apparently my blood was a bit thin so they needed to deal with that mess)
-dozed off behind the wheel of my car and crashed into a bus that was stopped at train tracks. Wrist was broken in 3 places, and it took 7 weeks to recover (versus the 4 they originally thought it was going to take)
-found out they had left a piece of my wisdom teeth in by accident, and they were going to need to do another surgery
-failed a semester of high school english because I didn't do a project worth 30% of our grade (stupid, right? I got a D in the class though, so I still graduated)
-had my other mouth surgery
-dad started goin crazy and started trying to renovate the house using weed induced ideas
-made up that english class during the summer so I could go to davis
-dad got drunk one day and threw my laptop out the window
-started dating my ex again, this time was actually able to see her a few times each month
-lost my virginity (yeah, 18 is kinda late, but I don't regret waiting)
-started skipping classes at davis, but still passed all during my first quarter

overview: both good and bad this year. admittedly I was feeling really depressed a lot of the time, but there were a lot of happy moments too, especially when I get to davis.

2008
-got addicted to guitar hero, most likely as a distraction from the problems at home. rarely went to class and started failing.
-my roommate got kicked out for money reasons (though he was doing horribly in school anyways)
-failed multiple classes winter quarter, and thus got kicked out
-went to fanime for the first time
-dad started to get sane again, he ran out of money for weed
-went to chabot
-ex left me for another guy
-started exercising daily and trying in school (mostly to get my mind off of things, but its better than getting addicted to guitar hero)
-got really close to a friend, but we decided to just stay more friends, cause someone else came along (look at next entry)
-almost dated someone else, in fact we basically were dating, but she decided that she didn't want to be in anything committed, so that was that
-missed one of my finals because my teacher had changed the date on one of the two days the whole semester that I was absent
-my laptop died, had to borrow $300 from my mom and use up my savings to buy parts for a new computer
-my dad finally reached a state of sanity, or at least in my view, but there's still just a whole lot of tension that wont go away for a long time
-my grandma died, she was the first person I was close to who passed away.
-helped my dad move out of his old house, which once upon a time was my house too.

overview: This was one of the crappiest years I've ever had. For most of the year I was fine, because even though things were goin to hell around me, I had my ex to talk to, and I had her to keep me company when I went back to the Bay Area only to find that most of my friends had moved away. When she left, I was just left with this sense of absolute loneliness, which I didn't get over for months and months, even when I started to make some new friends. Things just seemed to continue going wrong and spiraled down, and I just retreated into studying, games, and exercise.

2009 (so far)
-met someone awesome
-finished paying my mom back for the computer

overview: well, I can't really call this an overview, since 2009 is no where near complete, but I do have to say, I'm quite optimistic about this year

So my mom had me make dinner tonight, and I have to say, I was impressed with myself. I made pork chops, with bacon wrapped around the sides, and with a mixture of flour, water, butter, and some seasonings on top, and when I baked that, the things covering the pork chops ended up holding all the pork's moisture in (which any cook knows is hard). I also sauteed up some spinach, onions, and bell peppers in a mixture of lime juice and water, and I made baked potatoes. Overall, it was fuckin delicious.

yup.

Question: "What is the one question you've always wanted someone to ask you? "

Answer: "You know, I've always wanted someone to ask me, 'What is the one question you've always wanted someone to ask you?'"

So I used to use Live Journal quite a bit, but after awhile I get out of it, but I suppose I could use a place to write every now and then, so I might as well use this.

Well, this break has kind of sucked to tell the truth. I've spent all my time doing chores or doing family stuff, and I've hardly spent any time with friends at all. It looked like I was going to have time last week, but my Grandma died, which just really....was hard. Maybe I'll write more on that later. Now it's looking like I have some free time later this week and a bit next week, so I'll have to see if I can get together with anyone before school starts again. I can only hope that people are free when I am.

yea, i haven't updated for a really long time...but i don't really have nething to say either.

i'm back from seattle, i'll try to put some pics of my trip up later...if i can figure out how. very tired now. me....sleep.....need

I'm goin to Seattle tomorrow. I'll be back on Friday late at night.

i'm tryin this out just for fun